One of the most exciting moments in the life of a woman is her marriage. For most ladies, they have already begun dreaming of the type of wedding dress to wear, the kind of ornaments to put on, what the day would be like, the kind of dance moves she is going to choose for her entrance and so on.
These and many more are what crosses her mind whenever she thinks of her marriage; however, very few women take a critical look beyond their wedding and into their marriage. What majority of ladies don’t realise is that the kind of wedding they are planning is only the start of a long journey in their lives and if they are not careful, they might just get bumped, bruised or wounded on the way.
Dating period, as well as the period of courtship, is the period to get to know each other well even before considering marriage. However, it is sad to note that amidst the romance and the fun of being in a relationship with someone we love, we forget to ask the most important and valuable questions which is really needed to validate the kind of person we are getting married to.
There are some specific things and questions we must ask ourselves even before we head down the aisle and to the altar to take our vows. This article is going to point some of these questions out and how best to ask your spouse about it.
1. What are his goals?
Your goals and objectives are essential things that makes up a human being. It establishes the purpose of that person on earth, and if the person is to make an impact in life, then he or she must have at least to a certain extent planned out his goals.
Now the question is, do your goals align with his? Here is an issue that needs to be carefully answered. Once your goals begin to conflict each other, it may signify the beginning of impending doom.
I’m not saying that your goals must perfectly match his, but at the very least, there must be some semblance of some sort that can act as your common ground. Think of it this way, when you both settle down, will you be able to support his goals? Will he be able to help yours? Can you even understand his passion and drive for those goals? If it becomes a matter of priority, whose goals will be ranking first? These and many more questions are what you seriously need to consider before happily saying “I do.”
2. Are you comfortable with His living habits?
If before the big day, you are not staying together in one apartment, then you certainly need to take a trip down to his house to see how he lives. Spend some time with him in his apartment and see how his lifestyle is and think about it. Is it something you can live with the rest of your life?
Sometimes, you may even need to go the extra mile and plan unexpected visits. Drop by his place unannounced on a day that you know he would probably be home and see if he is as neat as he claims. This will help give you an insight on how he manages a home and if you are not around, he can be able to clear the mess.
Now, you may be a neat person who loves arranging things and keeping them orderly whole he is the exact opposite of you, he throws things around and doesn’t care where his pants land or his shoes are when he gets home exhausted from work. Ask yourself, are you ready to live with that?
Don’t be mistaken. However, this doesn’t mean you both can’t work out. In fact, if you both can try harder, you will notice that you compliment each other. If you are the neat freak and you drop by unannounced and see his room is untidy, if he happily lets you clean up and apologises for making the place messy, then you guys are okay.
However, if he is the type that will nag or shout at you for trying to keep his home clean, then you probably need to sit him down and have a talk before you both approach the altar.
3. Have you met his family members?
Meeting the family of your man is a paramount thing for you to do before agreeing to walk down the aisle and if he is holding off on the fact that you need to meet them without giving you a reason that is tangible enough, then that might be a red flag.
If your husband is the type that keeps his distance away from family, sooner or later you definitely need to know them, and this is because they are going to be a huge part of your lives pretty much very soon.
You must understand that what really makes him is made up of who he has met, his experiences in life as well as an essential fact of his background. Where he comes from forms a considerable part of his life and in order to understand him better, you definitely need to know his roots.
You need to make efforts to meet with his family and bond with them. This means that you might have to head over there every once in a while to participate in family activities. You may also need to engage in family events such as Thanksgiving dinners, birthday parties and so on.
This course of action would enable you to understand the kind of family you are getting married into as well as the kind of people who are forever going to be members of your family after your union. So you need to observe. Look at how he relates with his family and understand that this is the same family your kids are going to be coming into some day.
4. Does your fiance want kids?
Kids are the life of any union, and this is a fact you may need to consider carefully. Does your spouse want kids? You may have already been viewing your life with kids around you whereas your spouse is thinking of how you both are going to live together; just you and him without any disturbances or intrusions from people including kids.
Your idea of a perfect home may differ from that of your husband, and you need to know what his thoughts on the subject matter are. If he says yes, then you must go on and know how much kids he wants.
If he says no, you need to ask yourself if this is your deal breaker or you can live without having kids. Sometimes it may be hard to deal with this now knowing that all that you are discussing is in a few years to come. However, you need to see if he is going to be flexible around it.
You can’t live your life in the misery and unhappiness of not having a child when you want one simply because your husband says no. You need to know his mindset about having kids because if his mind is pretty much made up but you have no idea about it, after marriage, it will be difficult to change his mind.
If he is bent on not having kids, but you can’t see your life without having them, then this may be a good time to call it quits since neither one of you are willing to compromise his or her stand about the matter.
It is not worth the gamble of you thinking that you can change his mindset about kids. He may become harder to convince after marriage while the urge in you to become a mother increases as you grow older.
5. Will your spouse want to take care of the kids?
If you both have already decided to have kids, then you should talk about raising them. There are days where you might not be around to take care of the kids probably due to your job or having to make a business trip. During this time, will he opt-in to take care of them?
Is he open to taking care of your kids or does he have the stereotyped mindset of it must be the woman who does it? Does he feel that it is simply the woman’s role to always take care of the children despite her career and her job?
This and many more are important questions you need to ask him. Having this discussion is not only beneficial to the both of you, but it is also crucial to the life of your kids. You also need to discuss the issue of daycare and if it is an option.
This is because he might not want to be a stay home dad while you too might be too busy with your job, so are you both open to the idea of daycare or you can actually fit into a routine life of taking care of the children?
You need to learn to explore all your options right now because delay could be dangerous. Doing this now will make even your kids grateful to you because you actually have their future in mind even as you plan for yours with your spouse.
6. What kind of parent is he willing to be?
It is easy to generalise the attitude of your man when he is still single and not yet a dad but make no mistake in thinking that it would be the same even after he becomes a dad. Becoming a parent changes so many things in your life as well as his.
Do you both have the same views on parenting? Is he willing to be a sacrificial dad? Will he be an absent parent? You need to explore all the decisions and options you both have as intending parents. You need to know what his parenting choices are.
There are lots of parenting choices out there but if you both don’t maintain the same page, it can cause a quarrel or an eventual rift between you too of care isn’t taken. You also need to discuss how to discipline your kids. Find out his opinion about what kind of school they should attend and if he is okay if they are put into boarding schools.
You also need to discuss the financial aspect of your children’s life. How will their fees be paid? If he wants you both to split the bill or he is willing to take full responsibility for it. Will you decide to start saving for their college education or you are eager and confident that they need to work their way through school.
7. What are his religious beliefs?
Whether we like it or not, religion is a significant aspect of any marriage, and it has seen to be the reasons why some may end abruptly. Therefore, in order to avoid having the stress of religion problems, it is better you both discuss it before tying the knot.
If you both have different religions, you must determine how relevant your faith is and how important it is to him. If you are more of the church person while he prefers to sleep in on days of services, are you prepared to live with that all the days of your life?
If you both grew up having different beliefs, what belief are you willing to raise your kids with?. Are you prepared to allow your children to be flexible in choosing who or what they want to believe in? This is a rather touchy subject, but you need to discuss it because it will affect your lives and that of your children in the nearest future.
8. What is his financial mindset?
Marriage means having joint accounts and having to decide what to do with money together. It is no longer ‘my’ finances but ‘our’ finances. This means that both your financial mindsets are needed to keep you guys afloat.
If your man is a big spender and you are big on savings, or vice versa then you both might be having severe financial crises if you refuse to discuss this subject. When it comes to paying bills, how do you split it?
Who is in charge of paying for what? If you decide to go the joint account way, then you both would need to determine what is urgent and what is not critical that needs to be paid for.
You also need to know that when it comes to making large joint purchases such as the buying of a house or a family car, then you must know how it is going to be and what your preferences are.
Whether you like it or not, finances can cause a rift among you both if you decide not to be smart about it as well as ask the right questions now. Know if he is into investments and the buying of shares.
You must know his stand when it comes to paying bills. If your man right now is Stingy with his money and isn’t ready to spend any on you or if you notice that he is lavish in his spending, the truth you must realise is that that man is never going to change.
Once he isn’t it now, 10years later he still won’t be it. Marriage doesn’t change people in the way we expect. In fact, any attitude that is carried into marriage is heightened and increased. If he is a big spender before, in marriage, he will do worse. Hence, you must know what you are going into with him.
9. Does he have a good sense of humour?
Guess what, marriage can sometimes become boring, and it is left to the two of you to spice it up so it can get back the sparks. He may have good looks and great hair now but what happens 10years down the line when his hair begins to recede or when you begin to have little wrinkles and spots on your face from stress?
Life is going to come at you guys from every angle but what can keep you afloat is how well you guys can smile through it. A good sense of humour can make the troubles and problems of life a lit easier to deal with.
There are times when marriage will get so unimaginably, but if you guys can learn to talk and make each other laugh while going through a phase in it, you both will come out stronger for it.
Think of it as being in a team playing football and with all that stress, you still find time to make jokes out of what you are going through. Now ask yourself, does this man make you genuinely smile and laugh? Does he have a good sense of humour or is he always in a reflective mood?
If the latter is the case, my honest recommendation is that you let go because if he doesn’t know how to smile, there will come a time that his demeanour will make the world so gloomy even for you.
Don’t gamble away your happiness on the assumptions and thoughts that you can change a man once you walk down the aisle. This will be a great mistake on your part if you have this notion and mindset.
It is better to know within your relationship and courtship some characters of your spouse and if you can handle or tolerate it for the rest of your life. Everyone certainly has his or her flaws, and certainly, you are no different but what if he isn’t trying to work on his weaknesses?
You need to realise that there are so many ways to handle it if you find out that the two of you differ in some certain views. There is the place of talking it out and compromise. But if you feel like you are going to be compromising all the days of your life, ask yourself; is it really worth the trouble? It is better you tackle these issues before your wedding rather than having to wait till after saying “I DO”.