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Tuesday, October 20, 2020

7 Ways to Handle Breakups

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Breakups are the worst and scariest thing that could happen to a relationship. In fact, everything about ending a relationship and calling it quits forever is probably the hardest part of a relationship, however, sometimes these steps must be taken for some reasons.

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The entire process of breaking up with a partner can be very stressful. It usually ranges from the anxious buildup in your throats, the actual gut-wrenching and stomach-turning conversations, the fallout, the tears of pain, the having to return somethings such as keys back, the having to move away, the entire breakdown, the having to accept the fact that the person who was once the centre of your world is no longer in it and so on.

The entire process may seem long even though it may have been short; however, you can’t live your life living in the shadows of your ex and pinning away in your apart due to the hurt you feel.

Most times, it may seem like everyone is clueless about what you are passing through and all your friends tell you is that it would get better with time. As much as you don’t want to hear it and it really does suck to always listen to that phrase, it is the truth, and time is indeed the cure to the heartache you feel now.

Although, the fact that time heals all wounds is true, however, you can’t spend all your time wallowing away in sorrow and wasting away. That same time does not wait for anyone. That being said, you need to be able to be proactive even as you wait for time to heal your wounded heart. Here in this article, we would offer you a few tips to use in order to get over your EX. They include:

1. Give yourself time to grieve

This is an essential part of the entire process. In fact, if you skip this first process into the other tips, you would have only succeeded in hurting yourself more by bottling up what you feel inside you.

You must remember that breakups are grieving processes. You need to cry all you want, get angry all you want and express it. You feel like your world is currently spinning out of control, show how you feel.

Don’t go walking about saying everything is fine or you are fine when you clearly are not. Someone who happened to be in your life in the most intense and intimate way suddenly leaves, and you don’t want to get time to grieve out your pain, remember, you are not that strong.

Sooner or later, if you don’t deal with the grief, you may sooner find out that it may end up swallowing you up. It is similar to losing someone to death, so you are allowed to grieve. Denial of the pain is not the right angle to getting yourself to feel better.

Don’t rush the process. If you need to cry it out, sure, go ahead. If you need to vent in something or you need to punch something, go ahead and hit the gym. Punch out the pain and clear your mind from the grief you feel.


2. Remove all reminders and triggers

After grieving, try to remove all reminders and triggers you have of the person in your home. It is okay to delete all pictures and messages from your phone if that would help you deal better.

If your phone screensaver contains the picture(s) of you both, go ahead and change it. Try not to visit any place such as the bar, restaurants, gym, cinemas or any other area you both are used to going. Don’t visit the sites you both consider as ‘your place’ for the meantime until you can conveniently go and not break down again.

If his magazines and toothbrushes are still lying around in your house, discard them. If you have some stuff that you know you don’t necessarily need or you can let go off conveniently, then leave them with him. Don’t go back asking for your pieces of stuff.

It will only succeed in bringing back old memories you want to stay buried. Stop wearing his shirts to bed, stop putting on his sweatshirt. Stop cheering for his team. Stop all the things you were doing because you were in a relationship with him.

Let yourself mourn and let your emotional aspect reboot and start all over again. Leave no lingering reminders or memory triggers of what used to be. You don’t need that sort of pain in you right now.

3. Stay off the social media of your ex

You need to decide if social media is still a good idea. If you have your ex on your social media, you might need to unfriend or delete him immediately. You don’t want to be a stalker, and you certainly don’t want to see how happy he is or how well he has moved on while you are still there grieving your heart out.

Sometimes, you may be wondering if this is an extreme act; however, it is better you do it and save yourself your sanity. Do not tempt yourself to crawl into the hole of cyberstalking. This can lead to quarrels and even extreme acts so, in order to save yourself a headache of going through all that, you are advised to delete him off your social media platforms.

However, sometimes you can decide to leave him be since you can cope. As they say, it is different strokes for different folks. If you feel you can deal and you are genuinely happy to see that your partner has moved on, then you can still decide to keep up with him in social media.

Asides his social media, you also need to cut off from him. Delete his contact if need be. Stop trying to hurt yourself by thinking you both could still be friends. Stop hanging out with his buddies hoping you both can run into each other or hoping you will get a piece of information about him. You would merely end up hurting yourself the more.

Instead of doing that, spend the time catching up with friends or going to see that movie you have always wanted to see. You will be grateful you did once you can get your emotions back.


4. Stop punishing yourself

Most people who go through a bad breakup always try to rationalise and analyse the situation, what they had done wrong and what they could have done better. If you find yourself doing this, you are only prolonging your pain and punishing yourself.

You need to stop and understand that it may not have been your fault. You need to ask yourself “what if the problem had been from him?” “What if he had been the one that had all the faults?”

If you are also the one who initiated the breakup, stop second guessing your decision. You probably did it for all the right reasons in the world. Try not to get stuck in thinking about what could have been or what should have happened that didn’t. You will only end up giving yourself more emotional trauma.

Stop looking for reasons and explanations as to why the break up happened. It happened because it was meant to happen. You must realise that not all relationships will take you down the aisle. Some are intended to stop somewhere having taught the lessons they need to show you, and you are meant to move on from them.

5. Don’t remain idle

Remember the phrase that says “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop”, permit me to twist it and say “An idle broken heart is a workshop for emotional pains“. This is what I’m saying. Don’t be idle.

Remember how you went to the gym to punch out all your frustration and pain? Well, you can as well turn it to a routine, not the punching aspect, but the going the gym aspect. You can make it a habit and become productive with it.

Even if it isn’t the gym, get a physical chore or activity and start doing it in order to clear your head and occupy your mind. Gradually, you would notice that you no longer think of him while you are in between a physical activity.

You can decide to join a volunteer group or play basketball in a nearby court or even choose to get a dog always to walk or jog with. Anything that you know you can do that would take your mind off him, go ahead and do it. You really don’t have to continue wallowing in pain simply because you are hurt.

You need to strive to shake out that pain. Having a bit of fresh air can do you a world of good. It would help occupy your time and fill your heart with other memories asides the break-up. Who knows, you might even end up making new friends along the way.

6. Take advantage of the fact that you are single

Yes, now you are single, and you should use your current status to your advantage. This is a time where you have time for yourself and you alone. You have no one infringing on your time neither do you have anyone who is craving your attention.


Now is the time for you to develop yourself. There are things you probably didn’t get to enjoy while you were still together with your ex that you can get to enjoy now. Have you intended to go see a movie you wanted? Or have you always wanted to join a dance class, do yoga or go for a poetry class but you never really got the time to do it?

Well, think of this as another opportunity that life has offered to you. Get yourself to do that which you wanted to do. Have a get together with your girlfriends or boyfriends as the case may be.

Indulge yourself in a few healthy and unhealthy pleasures. You can decide to live wild for a while if you are the wild one. Get yourself happy in other areas. Don’t lose yourself to the fact that you are no longer with someone.

Let this be the start of something new for you. Let this be the opening chapter of another phase in your life. Use this phase to get yourself organised. Purge your mind and start anew. Evaluate your dreams and analyse your goals.

Get a list of your priorities and set them straight. Write down your to-do list and ensure you start working towards them. Start chasing your dreams. Ensure you start moving forward in your life. You can start with a step, and every other thing will fall into place.

7. For now, remain single

If you attempt to enter into a relationship immediately after breaking up with your ex, you will only end up hurting yourself as well as hurting the person you are involved with. Let me be honest here; your first instinct will be to look for rebound love, to look for someone’s shoulder to rest on when you are down.

As good as your intentions are or they may seem to be, don’t. You may be wondering why we are advising this but here is the reason. You are currently going through an emotional tumult and pain, and it will be totally unfair to use someone as a rebound for that pain.

You should remain single until you get rid of all the emotional baggage you are carrying from your previous relationship. You need to stay single till all that bitterness, anger, hurt or betrayal that you may be feeling die off and you can be whole again emotionally.

It will be very unfair of you to transfer those emotional issues that you have on someone who you claim to love or have feelings for. Don’t dump your baggage on someone. Try resolving your problems first before getting into another relationship.

Having to break up with someone is painful, and it hurts like hell, but it isn’t the end of the world. There are better men or women out there for you who would love and cherish the type of person you are. Don’t let your self-esteem or self-love reduce because of someone or what he/she did. You have to get up and keep moving.

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Deborah Akinola
Wirter, poet and public speaker

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