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Sunday, October 25, 2020

11 Wrong Reasons to Be in a Relationship

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Starting a new relationship is hard and complicated enough but then staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons is the worst kind of torture s person can be in.

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When you are in the right relationship or when you are starting a new relationship, everything seems all fun and rosy. It looks like you are in cloud nine with your partner and the universe is only for the both of you. This is because your heart is in the right place; where it belongs.

However, if you are in a relationship where you constantly have to evaluate the reasons why you are in that relationship, then you just may be in the wrong one. Have you ever been in a relationship where you are only in it in order to avoid problems, then you might be in the wrong relationship.

Here are some reasons that have been gathered over time which partners give in order to stay back in the wrong relationship. It’s however sad to know that these reasons are the wrong kinds of reasons and if you find out that you probably have been giving one or more of these reasons as your excuses to stay back, then we highly suggest that you get out of that relationship fast.

1. Fear of being alone

Are you in that relationship because you are afraid that after you get out of that one, no one will come by again? Or are you afraid that you won’t be able to love anyone or be loved by anyone else again?

If that is the reason why you are still in that relationship, then I suggest it is time for you to get out. Let me tell you this truth: you are absolutely lovable. There is no need going on in a relationship that makes you bitter or makes you cry because you are afraid that you can’t be loved.

Guess what? Being single is fun. Being single is a good thing. A million people out there are single but yet they haven’t died. You must remember that being single doesn’t mean you are alone. You are still loved by family, friends and colleagues. Can you see that you are not alone?

Let me enlighten you on this fact: Being single is a hundred times better than being in an unhappy relationship. If you feel choked, miserable and depressed in that current relationship, get out. That may just be your key to happiness.

2. Perfect sex

Well, i would not really blame you for this, but if this is one of the reasons why you choose to stay back in your relationship, then you are staying for the wrong reason. The sex may be perfect, agreed, but who says you can find another partner who is your ideal bedmate?

I understand that it may be tough getting a perfect bedmate with all the right things in place alongside with the right level of chemistry between you both but guess what. The truth is that it is not entirely impossible.

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Ask yourself this questions and be very fair with yourself: outside the bedroom, do you still feel that chemistry when you guys talk, play or laugh? Do you guys even have a conversation outside the bedroom? Can you both talk without having to involve foreplay and chemistry? If the answers to these questions are No, then I suggest that you get out of that relationship fast.

There is life outside the bedroom. There is more to a relationship than foreplay and sex. There are communication and understanding. These are the basic keys that are needed in a relationship, and if you lack this, you should seriously consider quitting that relationship.

3. Making your EX jealous

Did you jump into that relationship as a rebound? I understand that getting dumped by someone who was once your world could hurt. However, that isn’t a good enough reason to stay in a relationship that bothers you.

You don’t need to get into a relationship that makes you cry just to get back at another person. You may successfully fool your ex into thinking you are very happy with your new found relationship, but let, e tell you the bitter truth, you can’t succeed in fooling yourself.

It is totally wrong to use another person to hurt your ex. Probably your recent relationship doesn’t make you cry, however, you are not just into your current partner. Don’t you think it’s a little bit harsh using someone else like that?

Getting back at your ex can be fun but don’t do it at the expense of your happiness or the happiness of others. You can only get back at your ex if you and your partner are genuinely happy in your current relationship. That is the best payback you can offer him/her.

4. Parents

Your parents may love him/her, or his/her parents like you. However, you aren’t dating his/her parents or your parents, and you are dating your partner. Staying in the relationship because your parents love them while you don’t is one of the biggest mistakes you could be making.

You probably know this but let me remind you again: you are the one in the relationship, not your parents. Trying to please your parents by ruining your love life isn’t the best way to go. Your parents want you to be happy, and they would understand the reasons why you had to ditch him/her.

5. Money

This is one of the worst reasons why someone can decide to want to stay in a relationship. Walking away from that relationship could mean you don’t get to enjoy your financial freedom or you don’t get to enjoy having a considerable sum of money in your bank account.

However, let me ask you this, is more, money ore important than your happiness and your state of mind? It can be hard to imagine losing all those funds or having to stay all on your own. If you have both been splitting the rent and other expenses, then it probably could be very hard to imagine being on your own all by yourself.

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But guess what? You can do it. You can get out and be happy. You don’t need to be in a relationship because of the fear of financial lack. If you are forced to stay in a relationship because of an excuse such as money, then you probably don’t your happiness.

Staying in a relationship because of the monetary gain will ensure that you get financially and emotionally stuck all your life. There is a particular lie that you must banish from your mind, and it is the lie that says “once they get out of that relationship, you will go begging”.

You won’t go begging. You will get other ways to make money by yourself once you become independent and free.

6. Apologies

When you are in a relationship with someone who consistently hurts you either verbally or via his/her actions and always apologised, then I think you need to move on. It gets really exhausting having to repeat a cycle all over again, and this cycle is no better.

Once they hurt you and they apologise for the first time, probably the second, third and fourth time, the next time they hurt you, it is time to call it quits. You don’t need to keep having to forgive over and over again for things that could be changed and amended.

Don’t get addicted to the apologies or the gifts while you keep feeling hurt, broken and offended. It is time to break the cycle.

7. Sexual needs

Could your reason for staying in that relationship be because it is your license to get laid? If that is your reason, then I’m sorry, you have it all figured out wrong. Being in a relationship because the sex is awesome or because you can get sex anytime you want is like you exchanging your happiness for sex.

Sex is only gratifying for a few minutes and so after the sex, what comes next? Sex is only 5% of a relationship. There are still about a 95% of other things that are included in a relationship that you must consider.

If you are unhappy with the remaining 95%, then you probably should be looking for the next available exit out of that relationship.

8. Age

This is one thing that affects women a lot. Sometimes too, men can get plagued with this kind of feeling as well.

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So many people get into relationships towards their late 30s or 40s because they either wanted to focus on their career, life or simply have fun while they were younger, However, the need to start or raise a relationship became much more evident and impressed in the heart when approaching the ages of 30 years and above.

This doesn’t mean that you must have to settle to an unhappy relationship. Who says you can get married at that age and be happy? Or who says you can’t start a family when you are almost 40years?

You don’t want to build a family based on an unhappy relationship. It isn’t healthy for you or your partner as well as your future kids in the instance you are planning to have them

9. The amount of time you both have spent together

It is true you both may have been together for ages and have become comfortable with each other. But do you know that you can become too comfortable with your partner to fall out of love with him/her?

What once used to excite you has now become the norm. What once made you happy about having them around has now become something that you detest. They have the same habits, the same cycles, the same routines, the same “everything”.

You both may have lost respect for each other without you both knowing. It is not always about how long you both have spent with each other, but it is mostly about how well you guys still connect even after all those years.

Don’t be with a partner because of convenience rather than happiness. Don’t be with a partner out of being comfortable rather than being spontaneous. If your partner doesn’t excite you anymore, you may consider taking a break or rather take a walk.

10. Having to you are capable of commitment

Probably you have been involved in too many relationships that your family and friends think that you are not capable of holding down a relationship. So you want to stay in that relationship to prove that you are capable of being a relationship.

Don’t stay in a relationship in order to prove a point to family and friends. This is a very wrong reason to stay back in that relationship. If you must commit to a relationship, commit to it because you want it to succeed and not because you want to see how long you can stay in one. Don’t play with others and their feelings for a game of trial and error.

11. Having someone take care of you

Being in a relationship because you want to have someone take care of you is another wrong reason why you should leave that relationship. You are not a charity case or a liability. It is a known fact that we all want to be cared for  in our lives.

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If you think you are capable of taking care of someone’s needs and have the person do the same for you, then, by all means, continue in that relationship.

But if you feel that it must always be a one-way street such that your partner must take care of you, then you need to grow up, be a responsible adult and take responsibility for your own life. A partner can only help you take care of you, he/she can’t fully take care of you without you taking care of yourself first.

Being in a relationship is full on the responsibility you need to take but most of all, you must ensure that you enter or be in a relationship for all the right reasons and not due to the reasons that have been listed above.

Love if you must but do it the right way. That makes both you and your partner happy, and then you will get the “happily ever after” you have always dreamed of.

Deborah Akinola
Wirter, poet and public speaker

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